Wishing For The Impossible

•August 2, 2008 • 8 Comments

Have you ever wished for something really hard/difficult to an extent you feel that it is beyond your reach, that you lost hope of it and didn’t even dare to continue wishing to avoid from getting hurt and disappointed but in the end, it does finally come true?  Perhaps its something that you want so much but you know it was impossible to achieve but turned out the opposite after sometime.  Have you ever had that?

A few years ago, I had wanted something so badly that it had hurt me so deeply, tormented my heart and soul cuz I couldn’t have it.  I was forbidden to have it.  All the odds were against me till I felt that there was no way that I can ever even come close to touching it.  It was impossible.  It was beyond my reach.  There was no way that I could win it or get it.  Whenever I remember the pain that I had gone through all through the years, I feel like crying or better, tearing down my neighbour’s house (don’t ask why).  The agony that it had given me was so painful that I doubt it will ever heal eventhough things are much better now, recently.

This entry may not make sense to some so just bear with me k.  I’m just feeling rather down now.  Read my old diary entries earlier so that had led me to write this piece.

Anyway coming back, assuming that impossible wish or rather that wish that you think was impossible to achieve does come true, what would you do?  And it got to you at the time you least expected it.  How would you handle that?  It came to you when you had finally moved on and almost forgot about it cuz you had embedded in your head that you can never ever have it but it came to you.  It really and finally did.

Let me give you a scenario.  You were walking in Midvalley and suddenly as you passed by the windows of the Pets World, you saw this one super cute hamster, exceptional features, perhaps pink in colour, something so different which had captured your heart thoroughly that you know that instant you want it so much.  But then when you saw the price of it, it said 10k.  Impossible to achieve, impossible to get.  Then when you realised that no matter how much you wanted it you just can’t have it.  And so you said to yourself, ‘there’s no way’ cuz of the restrictions you face.  Later, after a few days or weeks, after you had forgotten about it, out of the blue, you saw the same particular hamster making its way, running super-cutely outside your gate (don’t ask how or why it ended up there).  In other words, it came to you.  Now, from there, what would you do with it?  You know for a fact someone will be looking for it in the end (it’s worth 10k, ok!) and you MAY lose it somehow in the end.  What would you do?  You want it so much but you also realised that it will be gone one day, perhaps taken away from you.  How would you handle this?

You know, when I first realised it, realised the fact that my wish had come true, I didn’t know whether I should feel happy or sad or relieved or grateful or angry.  Frankly, that was how I felt.  It was a horrible mixture of feelings.  I couldn’t take the fact that it was within my reach, my grasp now.  It’s like, all that I had felt before was – unnecessary.  But then I reminded myself, everything happened for a reason so whatever that I had gone through had its reasons be it anger, pain or torments.  Everything has or had its place and time.  So I shall not dwell too much on that.  I can never get the answer, I can never be satisfied. 

And so, now that my wish had (I can say) semi come true, I know I’m doing my best to safeguard the possession that I have and keep it for as long as I can till the Al’mighty says otherwise.  I guess, that’s all I can do anyway. But still, I’d like to know what you would do if this had happened to you.  I wanna know what you think.  And lastly,
I qego cea gokc payt zuzc.

Till the next entry, chowzz.

Need Your Phone Numbers!

•August 1, 2008 • 3 Comments

This entry is merely for the sake of mengadu’ing.  I am sad. 

The phone that I love so much, which was a gift from someone who used to be very close to me, buat hal.  And due to that, I had lost all the numbers in it as well as all the most valuable and important messages which I had kept for a couple of years.  Sumpah sedih amat T_T.  Kalau boleh nangis air mata darah, dah nangis dah.

So to all my friends who are reading this, please send me your numbers k.  I need to resave everything.  You can send me an SMS (don’t forget to tell me who you are) or forward it to my email – eda.ismail@gmail.com whichever way is convenient for you.

Appreciate your help.  Thanks people.

A Little Update

•July 23, 2008 • 3 Comments

Yes, yes.  I know I haven’t been writing a lot, in fact at all recently and I truly apologise. Not that I have lost interest in writing or anything, it’s just a lot of things had been happening recently with my internet failing, with Pablo’s sudden emergence and with my financial complications.  Too many things in my head that sometimes I just don’t have the mood to share stuffs anymore.  Anyway, lets get straight to the point.  Three things to share tonight – (i) my recent bowling tourney (again), (ii) 51 year old gamer (shocking discovery for me) and (iii) Khaliq’s surprise birthday party.

First of, bowling.  I had forced myself (despite the financial complications) to still join this month’s Novis Bowling Tourney cuz I didn’t wanna miss the finals which will be held next month on the 3rd.  Fact is, I still am able to join the finals if I hadn’t competed in this month’s tourney but the thing is, I would have to pay a lot extra if I do did not complete 3 month’s tourney and so I had to join gak.  I hadn’t joined the group’s tourneys for a few months already (since April I think) and some even thought I dah merajuk with the group.  Haha, sengal

Anyway, cutting the story short, I had won 13th place out of 40 over individuals who took part.  Was happy with myself no doubt as I really didn’t expect to get anything out of the game.  My last tourney was really bad so it was something I really least expected.  And my bowling idol, Ah Bear played rather badly that night.  Cian dia… He only warmed up in the last game with a total of 170++.  But then it was already too late.  And so, my placing had won me 5 bucks which I had kept for a couple of days to buy my rokok >.<” hee.  I don’t have pictures for that night, so sorry about that. 

Next up, a shocking discovery.  To some, this may not be something so startling but when I got to know about it, I was totally speechless.  One of colleagues in the department is a gamer.  He’s a father, 31 year old.  Okay that’s something normal.  I hear that a lot but the part which had almost made me fall off my seat was that, this father’s father is also a gamer and same goes to his circle of friends.  Now tell me, how many 50 over year-olds have you come across play PC games?  Gile terkantat, siot.  I cant even imagine my dad sitting in front of the PC gaming.  The last game I saw him play pun was pacman, those days la tapi, when our monitor screen was still green in colour.  But this guy’s father is exceptional.  He, in fact introduces games to his son to try.  And he keeps track of the latest games and news and updates as well.  Owh and the best part, he plays Oblivion too.  Wadafak???  Sumpah I cant imagine my dad playing Oblivion.  I’m sorry, to some, Oblivion might not be a familiar thing but let me just put it as an addictive RPG game which you wouldn’t wanna start playing.  Culture shock jap.  A 51 year old gamer…  Hmmm… I think I wanna be like that too.  Hee.  Someone’s done it, I would love to do it too.  A 50 year old grandma gaming.  Shit that sounds awkward.

Final part of the entry – Khaliq’s tak jadi surprise birthday party.  About two weeks before 16th July, I had called Hatta during lunchtime for a chat.  Was dead bored that time.  And it was then that the idea of throwing a BBQ party for Khaliq came about.  I straight away blurted out to Hatta that instant and he was equally excited about it.  Thanks a bunch dear for making it happen.  I definitely couldn’t have done it without you.  Muakkss!

Okay, sambung balik – we had secretly been in contact, making the preparations and all and I was in charge of the food while Hatta was to handle all the invitation and to make sure that Khaliq was around that day.  Frankly, Khaliq was supposed to have a family dinner that night and he was even supposed to be in PD but thank God he had an exam on his birthday, that really had saved us the extra trouble of getting him to be around.  Anyway, family dinner cancelled, PD tak jadi, hence the BBQ party, wakaka thanks to Hatta who had spoken to Khaliq’s dad.  And luckily, I saw his number once on Khaliq’s phone which got stuck in my head till this very day.  Kalau tak satu hal also to get his dad’s number.

And so when the day had finally arrived, everything was all good except for the fact that birthday boy had already smelled what was in store for him.  I shan’t say what had made the whole thing semi kantoi cuz almost everybody kinda contributed to the kantoi’ing including myself.  Lalala. 

Anyway, the party was great, with the best uncomplaining chef aka Adhil, with the food and Khaliq’s high school and college friends, with the interrogating-me-why-la??? segment (don’t need to know what this means, hee), with the indulging Chocolate Indulgence, with the excitement of everyone posing in front of the camera and so on.  Adeihlah, agak nak tergelak bile ingat balik, hee. 

Well, I don’t really know if it was a success from Khaliq’s point of view but seeing him smiling all through the night, of the thought that we had organised that very small thing, had made my heart content already.  Frankly, it was good enough for me.  That’s all I wanted, to make him smile, truthfully.  And I hope I had achieved it.  Hope you had fun sayang, muahx.  Okay, lets not get me all emo and poyo cuz this entry’s supposed to be a happy thing.  Check out the pics btw:

the earliest bunch to arrive…

 

whatever makes you happy Hatta…

 

~lalalala~

Well, I guess that’s all for today’s entry.  Till the next one, chowzz.

p.s. Syeda, Hatta frust gile u tak datang.  Hee.

Damn Pissed!!!!

•June 30, 2008 • 12 Comments

I am so pissed!!!!!! 

Today itself, double dose of extreme anger and sadness.  All the time since this afternoon I have been containing this volcano in me.  How could you do this???  How could you hurt her???  And the fact that I personally know you really makes me feel like running you down with an 18-wheeler!!  I know I don’t have the right to directly intrude but she is someone too dear to me and those who hurt her deserve all the maki hamun and hatred from me, no matter how fond I am of you.  How could you…  Why… T_T  Even I, could feel the intense pain that she’s feeling, what more her ownself who has to go through it…

And to the other good-for-nothing-no-guts-chicken-shit-a*shole, enjoy kan making others fall for you, and having a damn good time while it lasted when in the end you can’t even decide for yourself what the f*ck you really want.  Owh, I know, saying that she’s not the one is the easiest way to get out of the tight situation you had put yourself in.  I know, you did a lot of thinking when you suddenly realised that what you had started with her was inconsiderate in the first place.  And not wanting to konon nya make things worse you give lame shit excuses saying that you love the other girl more when you have never even spent time with her!!!  Wtf???  Please cover up your flaws and stupidity more intelligently.  Owh wait, how can you do it intelligently when you’re already stupid?  Hmmm, my bad.

June 2008

•June 29, 2008 • 5 Comments

First of all, I am terribly sorry for not writing frequently for the past months.  Been busy with new workplace and my internet at home is really getting on my nerves.

I’m writing this entry today to summarise this month, my birthday month.  I’m 26 this year.  Dang, I’m getting older huhuhu 😦 .  But then someone had reminded me that age is just a number, so I’m holding on to that, huahaha.

Okay, first of, I’d like to thank everyone who had wished me ‘happy birthday’ – Ani, Sri, Farahida K.B, Bear, Hatta, Ray, members from Novis Bowlers etc2.  Special thanks to Syeda who had stayed up and waited for 12am on the 12th just for the sake of wishing me.  I was soooo touched dear.  Love you to the max babe, muahx!  And to my everdearest Fara, thank you for wishing/text’ing me all the way from France.  And dear, don’t emo2 too much k, I read your entries.  Cheer up sayang.  I’m here if u need me.  And finally, to my dearest Pablo who was there with me all through the day on my birthday (except when I went to work, of course hee), thank you sayang.  Luv ya, muahx!!

Also, special thanks going out to all who had came for my small birthday-get-together-cum-steamboat-party – Syeda, Hatta, Khaliq, Adhil, Mama.  Ani, no worries, I fully understand why you couldn’t make it.  I still love you to the max 😉 .  Only, if you had been there, it would have been funner.  Hope you guys had fun, especially to that someone who had his chopstick jumping off the table every now and then, mwehehe.  And Khaliq, where are the pix cik abg??  Owh, and your caramel was so sinful.  Gotta teach me how to make ’em tau 🙂 .

Okay, okay enough about my birthday, kang muntah plak sume orang.  Next up, my new workplace.  Been here since late May and I must say, so far, I’m doing okay.  I have a new nick name there btw.  My colleagues know me as neither Aida nor Eda.  Gave them a new name cuz there are too many Aida’s, adoi.  Wanted to introduce myself as Bekke or Ed but these are too personal so I asked them to call me Aido, hee.  Got the idea of using that name from one of my ex-colleagues from Mille*ium, Ganesh.  Sounds a little funny, don’t you think?

Second part of my new workplace is that, last two weeks, we had an interdept bowling tourney held at Ampang Bowl, Ampang Point.  There were 7 groups competing and I won second place for the ‘Best Female’ Category.  Wuahaha, gile funny and unexpected cuz there were some really good players among us.  And overall, my team got 1st place among the seven teams cuz we kaput‘ted the first and second spots for Best Female.  Wuahaha lagi.  Next competition, futsal, which will be held in July and I am soooo looking forward to that.  Hee.

Well, this month wasn’t all that happy actually.  Been having really bad financial complications since last month and I’m hoping to secure a part time job soon to slightly ease this burden.  Once I’m all good, I can start with my frequent bowling practices with Bear again and futsal sessions with my friends.  Wee.

Finally, before I end my entry, just wanted to mengadu that, I have put on weight!  Uwaaa huhuhu 😦 .  Dang la and I have to get in shape by the 12th of July!  Have to make an appearance at one of my ex-schoolmate’s wedding and baju sume dah tak muat.  Sobs.  Going on intensive workout, wish me luck.  Heh.

Okays, that’s all for now.  Till the next entry, chowzz.

 

Heart oh Heart…

•June 5, 2008 • 4 Comments

I have something that’s bugging my mind.  Not too intensely though but I just feel like sharing it here.

Someone very important to me said something about this bugging issue a few days ago that had got me thinking.  For some reason, though I hate to admit it, he may have a point.

To start off, the issue – I have a weak heart and I hate it.  I have had several of my friends acknowledging this fact before to an extent that even my ex had said to me directly, “…Eda don’t be so weak, you’re embarrassing me.”

Boy, that had hurt tremendously that time but I know he said that to make me see and start changing for the better.  And due to the various encounters, incidents and shitholes that I allowed myself to run into because I was so weak to push aside all the temptations, I keep blaming my heart for the pain that I had endured all this while.  To tell you the truth, I hate being so damn bloody weak and I hate my heart so much.  Owh Syeda dear, what I’d give to have a heart like yours.

Anyway, coming back to my story, a few days ago, I was blabbering to Pablo about me hating my heart so much and that it is my utmost weakness that I am trying so hard to overcome but keep failing miserably all the time I try to do something about it.  In response, he just looked at me with a disapproving impression on his face.

“You know Eda, sometimes, your weakness can turn into your utmost strength,” he said to me.  I gave him a confused look.  Wanted to disagree with him totally but instead I probed further.

“I don’t get you.  How is that even possible?”

“You keep saying you wanted so much for someone to love you but all the time you run into blunder.  And you hate your heart so much and blame it whenever you come across shit cuz you say you’re too weak to push away and stop yourself from falling in love thus you allowed yourself to commit, correct?”

I nodded.

“Have you ever thought that one day perhaps, perhaps la, you’d meet some guy who might love you for the very reason that you hate you heart so much for?”

“Huh?  Wadafak?  You mean for being weak or having a weak heart for that matter?”  I said with disbelief.  

I knew he was going nowhere with this.  I mean logically, who would want to love a weak person?  Like I said earlier, even my ex thinks it’s embarrassing though he did apologise saying he was out of line when he said that to me.  But frankly, I do agree with him, it’s embarrassing.  If not for him pun, definitely embarrassing for me.

“Yes,” Pablo said.

“You’re not making sense.  Explain, I don’t get you at all,”  I answered.  I was getting impatient.

“Bear in mind, everyone is not the same in terms of preference.  One may dislike you being weak but another may like it,”

I displayed the most disagreeing look I could come up with that he merely continued his piece.

“…put it this way, your heart is weak and vulnerable that, that person may take it as a thing so precious that he’d want to hold on to and do anything not to break it, to take care of it, to keep it safe from being shattered.  Do you get what I mean, Eda?”

Wadafak…” I said very softly that it escaped his ears.  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t even know what to think, whether to agree with him or to oppose kao2 but one thing I know, I like what I just heard.  Then he continued,

“…and so after having said that, don’t you think your weak heart, the heart that you hate so much that you would give anything to banish it from existence had won yourself love, something that you’ve always wanted so much for so long?  Has it not turned into your strength, Eda?”

My jaw dropped.  Dalam hati I said to myself, ‘boleh pulak dia fikir sampai macam tu sekali…’.  But then, kinda cair gak when he blurted out all that.  It’s like, if there is such an individual out there for me, agak bahagia kot hidup… hee.

Anyway, I didn’t stop there.  I wasn’t satisfied yet cuz to me, it’s still impossible, impossible for someone to even like a person who has a weak heart, what more to love her.  I mean come on, the word is already weak, already pointing to the negative side.  So I said to him,

“But still tak logic for someone to like or love another being for having a weak heart.  Don’t you think it’s a nuisance?  A nuisance for having to, all the while, try to take care of that heart from breaking?  It’s annoying!”

He looked at me deep in the eye with a warm smile on his face and said, 

“No, I don’t think it’s a nuisance,”

Okayyy… I shall stop here.  Till the next entry, chowzz.

 

I Feel You

•May 29, 2008 • 4 Comments

Her entry had influenced me to share my point of view too.  I totally agree that honesty and being direct is a better way to send the message out.  Cuz that way, one would not ponder too much on his/her flaw but instead would help the person move on even quicker.

Dang when I read her entry, I felt really sad.  Her words reached out to me and touched my heart to the very core.  I’ve gone through those pain and I know too well how it feels.  I guess the three blows I had to go through really taught me something.

Frankly till now, my second encounter is still bugging me to the extent that I hold vengeance.  And the case, was similar to the point she’s trying to make in her other entry that is better be honest rather than hiding the truth.  Cuz by hiding, one would start thinking unnecessarily about what is wrong with herself, what about her that is not enough to win his affection etc2 though the truth is, nothing is at all wrong.  It just so happens that she had to come across a dumbf**k who thinks by concealing the real thing, the wound would less hurt.  Trust me, it won’t.

I dare say this cuz during my third encounter, though the blow was the hardest among all three and frankly, I still love him till this very day but, I don’t blame him.  We had our differences and we had to let each other go for the sake of something more important and I accepted that.  I don’t hold grudges against him.  And the fact that he was direct and straightforward with me on the reason why our relationship could not work out due to some unavoidable circumstances was undoubtedly painful but again I say, I accepted it.  Sometimes I still do long for him but this is how it’s gotta be.  Unlike case number two, serious emo bile ingat balik.

I hope you get what I mean and I hope it does make sense especially to those who are going through similar conditions or perhaps a break up recently.

Message to the girls:
If you’re wondering what is it about you that is not enough or good enough for him, believe me, that’s all bullshit.  What makes him better than you anyway or what makes another girl better than you?  Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.  You just haven’t found that someone who can love you for who you are and bring out the best in you.  Sometimes you don’t even need some guy to make you be on top of the world pun.

Message to the guys: (not to all okay, so no offense to those yang tak berkenaan)
Please cut the crappy shit saying things like;

“I sayang you tapi I tak boleh go on.  Keadaan tak mengizinkan…” or
“I love you very much but I don’t wanna hurt my mother’s feelings and I can’t tell my mum about you cuz she prefers this other girl but I do wanna be with you if I have the chance to bla3…” owh yes I do get this.  Mother getting married to the other girl in the end, eh?
“I shall wait for a miracle to be with you cuz now thing’s just can’t work out between us…”  Wadafak??  Waiting for a miracle but doing nothing towards achieving it.  Genius!

Adeh emo siot, dahlah don’t wanna talk about this anymore.  Spoil my mood only.

And before I end, to my dearest Syeda, I admire your strength sayang, I really do.  You’re the strongest girl I’ve ever met and I’d give everything to have a heart like yours.  Love you babe.  I’m here if you need me.

Till the next entry, chowzz.

p.s. Fara, I’m not missing dear, just been busy the past weeks.  Plus I don’t quite have the mood to write cuz of some recent incident related to my previous work place.  And I miss you too babe..